... you've got nothing better to do, you've found the right place.
Hi there. Welcome to Fairly Imbalanced: a blog about
politics.
“But guys, seriously, why another blog about politics?” you, the hypothetical reader we’ll
probably never get, might ask if you turn out to exist. “There are, like, a
gajillion other political blogs out there, most of which are written by sober,
knowledgeable and maybe even experienced writers. Why not find a narrower niche and try to
make your way there?” Well, our new (and likely existentially-challenged) friend,
if you think we’re in this for the money, you’re wrong (until someone offers us
a check, of course).
No, this blog is meant to be a labor of love.
Wait, no, love's the wrong word. Spite? No, too harsh. Belligerence
probably fits much better. No doubt a few of these will be written under the
influence. Which influence, anyone could guess.
See, we’re all pretty politically-minded folks here, but the
state of politics is dreadful, and political discourse, political media and
political culture are even worse. Given this unhappy circumstance, we realized
we were faced with but a few choices:
1) Interstate suicide pact. Sounded painful. No enforcement.
Next.
2) I suggested we move to Canada. Our legal counsel immediately
vetoed his own idea because of something about law firms hiring raptors to
assassinate me. I'm not always the most lucid thinker, but that seemed decent enough reason to me. Plus, Bill was NOT about to become Bills,
Blue Jays, Raptors and Habs fan, much as I'd like it in at least two of those cases.
3) Start yelling into the darkness of the internet. Bingo.
We have a winner.
“But Felis, why should I care about THIS blog about politics
in particular?” you insist on asking, despite the fact that you clicked through
to the jump and obviously are already intrigued. To this I say: you absolutely probably
should not; like most things Bill and myself are involved in, ignoring it will
be better for your health. But I’m going to give some introductions anyway.
(Not That) Bill O’Reilly is a rare creature, a Northeastern
Conservative. Hardened and embittered by years of ridicule for his 'silly,
conservative name' by his liberal peers, he actually went by a different name
for some time, but has since decided that daring Fox News to sue is much more
fun.* He recently graduated from a large state school that somehow doesn’t even
offer international relations as a major despite the fact that it thinks it's better than it is, so he holds a history degree instead. He
is currently single (ladies) and unemployed (gentlemen), but he HAS managed to
avoid the worst of blogger stereotypes by moving into his old room upstairs,
rather than his mother’s unfinished basement.
*Seriously Rupert. We would love the free publicity. Come at
us, bro.
Felis Festivus is, as the name implies, an alcoholic cat
who, due to an affirmative action stunt
positioned as an early embracement of PETA’s latest Thirteenth Amendment
challenge, was awarded an honorary degree from a particular Ivy League
university during the same spring in which Bill received his crumpled up wad of paper.
Due to a massive clerical error, however, Felis’ degree turned out to be a real
one (they'll be taking it back any day now, but they'll have to catch him first). He currently resides
in Texas, where everything is slower, notably the politicians and the traffic.
.
.
Finally, Bill and I are currently working on recruiting a third
voice to round out our trio of malcontents. He or she may or may not be a legal
professional in the employ or general vicinity of some firm and/or business
apparatus in the area in or around New York City, County, or possibly State. We
unfortunately cannot specify further, because then he or she may or may not
have grounds to put his or her (allegedly!) legal/satanic arts training to
work by suing us, which would be bad.
Unless it was for Fox.
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